Here Goes Nothin!

I sat down this morning to put the finishing touches on a recipe post I started last week, and it just didn’t feel right. This last week has been a doozy around here. I have been a little “out of touch”, but I finally feel like I can and should write about some more personal stuff that has been going on in my life. I know that my blog is still young and not highly populated, if you will. But my overall hope is that by sharing healthy, delicious recipes and healthy lifestyle tips, I can help make a tiny difference in someone’s health journey.

But there is a whole lot more to a healthy life than food and exercise. And I feel compelled to share some of the not-so-glorious parts of my life in hopes that it just might help someone through their current battle.

Miscarriage SUCKS

So here it goes! On Wednesday, I underwent abdominal surgery to help give us some answers as to why I have had multiple pregnancy losses. Travis and I have had 3 miscarriages over the course of the last 2 years, and up until last Wednesday had very little idea as to why.

I know there are SO very many women out there that have experienced infertility and pregnancy loss at different stages of development. And IT ALL SUCKS! There is no other way to put it other than that. It just sucks!

Alllll the Emotions

I have such mixed feelings when it comes to discussing the losses and all of the emotions that come along with it. Some of my closest friends and family members might read this and learn of our losses for the first time. Part of me is angry that pregnancy loss isn’t discussed more commonly (even though I could attribute myself to the problem). And only because when it happened to us, I felt a sense of shame and embarrassment. I felt at fault, like my body isn’t equipped to do what most women’s bodies are literally made to do. Why not share that you are pregnant during the first trimester of pregnancy, even though there is that chance you might lose the baby? Wouldn’t you want the love and support of those that care about you if that does happen?

But therein lies the conflict. The feelings that come after finding out you are pregnant, and then that you are having a miscarriage are SO very personal (and ever-changing), that any well-meaning friend or family member can say the wrong thing at the wrong time and have a long-lasting effect. So you almost appreciate the privacy and the fact that others don’t know what you are going through, so that you can sort out your thoughts all on your own without the outside world making their comments.

You want to know something crazy? One of the emotions I felt after our first miscarriage was pride. I was proud of my body for knowing that the developing baby wasn’t going to be healthy and that it was best to let nature take its course. That is of course, after many tears of sadness and heartbreak. I was able to feel this way, because the doctors assured me that this happens sometimes for no particular reason, it was just wasn’t going to be a healthy thriving baby. So I went on feeling like it was a minor setback in our journey to becoming parents, and that next time it would be different.

Except it wasn’t. Everything happened the same exact way for baby number 2. Except my emotions were different. I went from appreciating my body for knowing what was best, to thinking “what is wrong with my body”? Since a very early age I have felt that I was meant to be a mom, so why is my body holding me back? I started to get a little scared, realizing this was going to be harder than we had expected.

We did a little more investigating before trying for a third time. I went on progesterone, hoping that was the culprit. When I got the third positive pregnancy test, I thought that I could will myself to hold onto this one. Every fiber of my being was dedicated to the effort of “staying pregnant.” But I guess it doesn’t work that way, does it? After miscarriage number three, I just felt downright angry.

I’m Still a Mom

I know it kinda sounds funny. The thing is, each time that pregnancy test came back positive, I saw myself as a mom. As much as I tried not to spiral too far out of control, I had immediate visions of first Christmases, family vacations, what my life would look like as a working mom or perhaps a stay-at-home mom. I immediately did the math to find out the due date and started planning how we’d rearrange the house to make space for the baby’s room. I immediately realized that no matter what, I would do anything I could to make sure that my baby was healthy and well cared for. When it’s something you want so badly, it’s really hard not to let your brain go to those places. So when the loss occurs, you have to grieve for and let go of all of those “could have/should have beens”. And in fact, I still think about all of those could have/should haves every single day. That’s the hardest part.

Positivity is Key

Fortunately, although I’ve had inner feelings of worry, sadness, and anger, I have done my best to maintain a positive outlook throughout all 3 losses. I have the most supportive husband, mom, coworkers, and friends a person could ask for. My job entails working with people with disabilities, and every day when I go to work, I see the strength and perseverance of human nature. There is no room for “woe is me” in my life, because I know that things could always be worse. I have SO much to be grateful for, and I know that life unfolds EXACTLY how it is supposed to.

Finding a “Why”

With three miscarriages, the doctors were now “on the case.” This wasn’t a fluke, and it was time to start really looking into what was going on.

(Warning: this is the part I try to discuss medical jargon…it might get a little dry and/or graphic…) Through different types of ultrasounds, my doctor found that I may have either a Bicornuate Uterus (heart-shaped) or possibly a “Septate Uterus”. In a nutshell, a heart-shaped uterus is simply a misshapen uterus that doesn’t cause miscarriages. A septate uterus may look like a heart-shaped uterus from the outside, but has a “septum” (or membranous material) going down the center of the uterus, dividing it in half (which does cause miscarriages, but can be removed).  When surgery was originally discussed, I was definitely hesitant, at best. I absolutely HATE going under anesthesia, and just the idea of any length of recovery time makes me go a little crazy. But as I mentioned above, I have already had that feeling of being willing to do whatever it takes to ensure a happy and healthy life for our future baby. So if a week of rest and discomfort is one of the things I need to do to get that much closer, sign me up!

The Procedure

So that pretty much gets us back to where we started: Last Wednesday, I went in for outpatient surgery to find out what was up with that uterus of mine! My biggest fear was that they wouldn’t find anything conclusive. All that effort for no real answers. But the findings were actually really good news. My doctor discovered that I did, in fact, have a septate dividing the uterus. It is non-vascularized, so implantation is difficult and growth is impossible. She was able to remove it (hopefully) completely, as well as zap some minor endometriosis and clear both fallopian tubes. Since she did have to cut out the septate, the surgery was a little longer and more involved (aka tougher recovery) than anticipated, but I will take that over not finding any meaningful results.

The Recovery

Overall, the surgery knocked me on my butt much harder than I expected. I went into it thinking I was tougher than most. I figured I would get to use my days off of work to do some shopping, maybe get a pedicure,  get ahead on some of my blog work, catch up on some continuing ed. units I have been putting off. NOT SO MUCH. Today (5 days post-op) is the first day I feel mostly back to my normal self. I can stand tall (no more hunching) and get up off the couch without help or extra grunting and/or whimpering. I have a lot more stamina (I feel motivated to do more than watch an entire season of Dexter in one sitting…BTW, love that show, so glad I am finally getting into it, and thank goodness there are 8 seasons, amIright?).

I have 4 incision sights, all over my middle belly section. They are still very sore to the touch, but not nearly as swollen and painful. And for the first time, I feel ready to leave the house! (Travis convinced me to get out of the house twice in 5 days, which is SO unlike me!) I think it is all downhill and getting back to normal from here.

Parting Words

One thing I feel compelled to mention in parting is a little note to remember. If a woman feels like she is ready to share about pregnancy loss or infertility, great! Let’s listen and allow it to be an open, healing conversation where all of her feelings are valid. But if she doesn’t feel ready, and wants to process in private? Also completely acceptable. I am just sharing my little journey, because I am at a point where I felt ready.

And if you haven’t experienced pregnancy loss or difficulty conceiving? I am genuinely SO very happy for you. We are all working on something in life, and are all dealt different hands. It all evens out in the end 😉

While the prognosis for us seems good at this point, I am still of course very anxious/excited/nervous to move forward on our “journey. There is still a lot of “what ifs” running through my head, but I know deep down that I need to trust the process and let it be. It will all work out the way that it is meant to. Stay tuned for future updates!