Sitting, Waiting, Hoping

Disclaimer: Non-food-related post ahead!

It’s been 5 whole months since the last time I spilled my guts about our journey to becoming parents. It’s hard to believe that that much time has already passed, and at times I feel like life is flying by at an uncontrollable rate.

For whatever reason, I feel compelled to share an update here on the blog. I know that even some of my closest friends and family members are curious as to what is going on, but let’s be honest-it’s hard to ask someone about their uterus! 😉

I want to start by saying that I am a total mixed bag of emotions, and even I don’t know what to expect from myself on any given day. I can go from feeling a deep sense of gratitude and peace, to feeling complete despair and even anger any given day, and sometimes within one day!  I say this to warn you that this post might seem a little all over the place in terms of “how we’re doing” 🙂

But first, let’s back up a little bit. In February (Valentine’s day, in fact) I had a surgery to fix my bicornuate, septate (heart shaped) uterus after 3 miscarriages. When I wrote up that post right after the surgery, I was feeling so relieved, confident, and at peace with my decision to go through the semi-invasive surgery. They had fixed the problem! All of our dreams would soon come true!

I was told to wait to months before trying to conceive again, so that the uterus could heal and a salinesonohystogram (saline infused ultrasound) could confirm that the septum was in fact all gone.

And the good news is it was! It looks like the surgery was a complete success and we got the green light from our doctor to go for it! Those 2 months were actually a great break from tracking my cycles, thinking about getting pregnant, and worrying about “what if” because I was given “permission” to just take my mind off of it all.

Now, another 3 months later,  as the title of this post suggests, we are still “waiting” for that positive pregnancy test. Every month that passes feels like a wasted/missed opportunity, and the thought of waiting for the next month is just crushing!

I know there are women ALL around me that have experienced such heartbreak, or are still experiencing it. I never want to come off as if I am looking for sympathy or condolences. Most of the time, the reason I don’t talk about it or bring it up even with my closest friends, is because that then puts the burden of a response on them. And there is no “easy” way to respond when someone is experiencing such sadness.

However, I have some of the kindest, most comforting friends a person could ask for. I get texts regularly from people that I love that simply say “Thinking of you!” or “Sending positive vibes your way!” They aren’t prying, they are just showing us their unconditional support. Just that alone could bring me to tears because I feel so lucky to have those people in my life. And if I wasn’t experiencing this, I probably wouldn’t even know just how lucky I am!

Now let’s get to talking about the roller coaster of emotions I feel day to day! My greatest hope is that someone reading this that is going through something similar can say “Hey, me too!” or “I am so glad to know someone else experiences this as well!” I know that when I read something super relatable from someone that has had similar experiences, it makes me feel so much more “normal” and comforted.

A vast majority of the time, I feel gratitude. Weird, right? But for some reason, NOT having something that I want so badly helps me remind myself of all of the amazing things I DO have in my life. I have an amazing husband who is constantly showing me love and understanding. We are getting the chance to spend extra alone time together that many don’t experience in the early years of marriage. I have my doggies that I love probably a little too much. I have my health and my strength (both physically and mentally!) I am surrounded by amazing people that teach me how and make me want to be a better person every day. 

Yes, an overwhelming part of me wants to experience holding my newborn baby in my arms, but I know that time will come.

I have no choice but to believe in a greater plan and have faith that this is how it is all supposed to go. I have heard from so many people that when the time finally does come that they get to hold their baby, it all makes sense. All of the patience and heartache was so that THIS baby right here could be yours. I know that time will come for me, for US.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I am frustrated, sad, disappointed, angry, jealous (the worst of them all!) You name it, I’ve probably felt it. A certain song comes on the radio, and I immediately turn to a blithering mess. Seeing pretty much any baby and/or baby product feels like a little twist to my heart.  Why is it so easy for some to get pregnant, and then the ones that want it the most are given a hard time? (That’s the evil jealousy talking!)

But again, I go back to my points of positivity. I am not in this alone. Many women experience an even deeper heartbreak or a worse prognosis. Some try for years, some are told they may never conceive naturally or at all. This is something I remember all the time and I do not take lightly. We are simply being taught a lesson in patience, and to remember that this is all happening the way that it is supposed to happen.

Now, I want to make one more semi-related point here while I’m on the topic 🙂 I want to be clear that if someone you know is experiencing anything related to infertility, NEVER, ever feel ashamed of your own good fortune to be pregnant or to have children. While I do discuss that nasty feeling of jealousy, it is certainly never directed at that woman or situation specifically. While you may have something the other wants, there are NO hard feelings. I only ever feel happiness for women that are living out their dream of becoming a mom.

(THE most beautiful pregnant lady I ever did see!)

I recently went to a baby shower for one of my very best friends, and I think some expected me to have a hard time with it. But my extreme happiness for my friend, and my longing for a baby of my own are completely mutually exclusive and separate in my eyes. Again, remembering all of my “points of positivity” allow me to feel at peace with my life AND elated for my friend.

Ask me again in a few months, and if things haven’t progressed, I might not be singing the same tune! But for now, I must accept the things I cannot change, and change the things I can. It’s not always easy, and I find it important to be honest with myself about how I am feeling at any given moment, whether it’s a happy emotion, or a negative one. But attitude is everything and today, I am choosing gratitude!